On Sexual Exploration and New Discoveries…
I’ve been casually dating this girl for the past month or two. She identifies as femme because it’s the closest term she feels connected to, but she’s more “casual femme” - somewhere in between chapstick and lipstick. She’s the first female identified person I have dated that doesn’t wear boxers and sports bras. And she’s a total bottom. I’ve been the sexual aggressor in every situation and she has never made an attempt to touch/fuck me or take off my clothes.
This is the first time I’ve been in this situation. Where my tendency toward being the sexual aggressor and wanting to take care of someone has been embraced rather then fought.
The guy I dated years ago - before I came out of the closet - used to fault me for using terms like “dude” when talking to him, my lack of shame surrounding bodily functions (WE ALL HAVE THEM OKAY), and some of my other more “masculine” traits. My ex-girlfriend used to almost guilt me into wearing make-up and would try to push me to be more feminine then I actually am. My ex-boyfriend was totally supportive of the way my gender presentation fluctuates, but he still always wanted to open doors and be the “caretaker” in a stereotypical masculine way as he wrestled with his own gender and his dysphoria.
But I love taking on role of the butch top in my dynamic with this girl.
I love opening doors and the way she’ll put her arms around my waist and lean her head on my shoulder. I love being taller and bigger then her and the fact that she’s totally fine admitting she tried to “look pretty” for me. I love the fact that she remembered I said her lace bra was sexy and purposefully wore a lace bra/panty set next time I saw her. I love that she’s an intelligent, strong fucking woman with a sense of self. And that she totally owns her bottom-ness.
It turns me on. A lot.
But here’s the thing… I need something more.
See I may be a dyke every day.. but I have butch days and I have femme days. I have days when I want to be tough and days when I want to be pretty. I have days when I don’t want anyone near my body and days when I want to be fucked til I can’t take it anymore.
I’m enjoying exploring other sexual relationships since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, but I do miss the dynamic I had with him.
I fucking loved letting him dominate me.
And I love being the butch top.
Sometimes I wonder why can’t I have both?
The fact of the matter is that I can. I can live a life in which I enjoy these differing dynamics. They just might not be with the same person. And that’s cool. I guess I’m just realizing lately that I’m more fluid in terms of how I preform my gender and being a top/bottom/switch and less monogamous then I previously thought.